Get comfortable, make yourself some toast, butter included, and take a moment to breathe. You deserve it.
Step 1: Know that you are human.
Look at yourself in the mirror; notice the uneven lines of your jaw, notice how your nose tips to one side and how your eyebrows twist in slightly different directions. Do not look away.
Now notice the glimmer of light reflecting in your pupils, and the orbit of a universe that lies behind them (they are “windows to the soul”, after all).
Notice the curve of your lips, whatever shape, whatever size, and know that they were meant for more than satisfaction; your mouth was made to smile and to laugh and to speak.
Notice the fullness of your body. Absorb every visual “imperfection”, and know that you were not made to be swallowed by shallow hearts or to be commercialized and sold by conglomerates; your body was made to breathe and to experience.
Even on days in which your body may feel like a stranger; know that it is your home. Nothing more, nothing less.
Step 2: Look back in time.
You are an amalgamation of all the people you have ever been and all the versions of you that are yet to exist. Wrap your arms around your body and hold your younger self. Do not let them go. If you at 5 and 12 and 16 were worth loving, know that you still are. Tell your younger self that they’ll be okay. Tell them this over and over again until you are sitting in front of your mirror, eyes puffy and chest tight, telling it to no one but yourself.
Step 3: Call the people who love you.
Whether animal, lover, friend, ancestor, family, or higher power, think of those who you love in return. Think of them fondly. Remember why they love you, why they choose to stay.
If you cannot call upon anyone and feel as though you’re utterly alone, know that you are not. The world is alive and so are you within it; Whether it’s the rain drops that linger on your car window, the moon, or the stars; know that they are with you in this moment.
Step 4: Forgive yourself.
Remind yourself that your body can still be yours. Know that it always has been. Remind yourself of this again and again: you are not what has been done to you, nor do you have to be what the world expects you to be.
Forgive every flaw that I mentioned previously. Forgive yourself for noticing these flaws, for picking them apart like a body in the morgue. You are human, not a body up for auction, or a life-long performer. It is time to let your movements turn from stiff to fluid, allow yourself to breathe as loudly as you need to.
What I am trying to say is that you must stop punishing yourself for the things you believe are inherently in your making. You must face the person that you are and let go of the shame, the anger, the reluctance to keep looking.
Let the person you are in this moment be wrong and sad and imperfect. Let yourself feel the guilt and bitterness and regret. Then, when the moment softens, remember that you can be hilarious and kind and brilliant. There comes a point, perhaps many points, in which you think that there’s something inherently wrong with you. But then, after you’ve let yourself sit with it, you discover that actually you’re just a little lonely and tired and before you know it the pit in your stomach has started letting in rays of sunlight. And yes, I’ll be the first to admit that life sucks sometimes and people leave and we hurt each other and we beg people to see us when they refuse to, and that it all seems terribly unfair– However, in the midst of it all, you will find yourself smiling at the two birds at your window or you’ll hear someone you love laugh with their entire body. You will walk home in the rain and you will buy yourself an overpriced coffee and you will even see your reflection in a shop window and for a moment think “my hair looks great today”. You will laugh at a stranger’s joke and they will shoot you a quick glance of appreciation, you will link arms with the girls you grew up with and you will stop waiting on the people who broke your heart. You will be surrounded by life and love and pain and hurt and excitement and sadness and joy.
There is a version of you, an unwritten one from the future who is reaching out, and they are saying, “See? It does get better”.
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At Bread and Butter Magazine we publish poetry, prose, short stories, art, photography, essays, and more! Find issue 01 in out now ──★ ˙ ̟🍯 !!